Silence

     Quiet. I just love silence. My tops arrived from Target and I began to order more. Never satisfied. Is that a “bad” thing? What is it I am looking to accomplish? To be in beauty with the Universe. To be beautiful. To look beautiful. There is a tone of expression I noticed with women around my age (49) who have daringly ask the unacknowledged questions. The questions that scare and frighten insecure people: Why do I feel I deserve more emotionally and spiritually than what others think exist? Why I crave silence and beauty? Where will my answers come from and how can I now trust them? How can I trust me when I let myself down so many times? What trusts me and how does it feel and look? Where are Love and Joy and Faith and Forgiveness and Truth and Stillness? Can they find me; do they know I am missing in my own life?

     Yes, there comes that time when you realize that you are missing in your own life. Before you only knew a void existed. Our souls find themselves listening to out of tuned instruments, being played by our tone-deaf creations and waiting for a savior that never shows up, to conduct the piece. And then we wonder why no one understands or is listening to this horrific performance? One day you discover that your instruments are divinely tuned but they are silent. You are anxious for this aria to be played, but it is waiting for your arrival in your own story in order to begin the symphony.

     Yes our lives are meant to be a symphony of adoring beauty and light. All sorts of melodies that complement build and take off from the previous notes. The music can take us to blinding mountaintops, across lavender skies, down to laughing meadows, into cool aqua green seas once we surrender to the maestro and follow her guiding heart.

    The Goddess appears in the pauses of life as well as the bold and drama filled days of our denials. The mother principle is one we feel devoid of its protection, love and acceptance. So we seek it without realizing what this driving urge encompasses, we misinterpret situations and people as we reach for her embrace and desire to hear her comforting words of forgiveness and compassion. We want to be accepted in our tattered, mud caked costumes and scarred souls. Not understanding that she has always dressed us in her best finery, no dirty, ripped clothing, our spirits are healed and strong because we are never out of favor nor unforgivable in her eyes.

     In the stillness of silence, I feel her presence in my life.

Coming Full Circle

     First writings for the New Year. Had 4 necessary days off from work and another year of life at the job has begun. In the midst of all the nuttiness, as I find myself being paid to learn web design software, things are secretive and mysterious and once again some folks are showing their Asses. It is interesting to me when and how history repeats itself over and over again. They say it is because you have not learned the lesson or message and you get to share your so called misfortunes with idiots, clowns and fools, in other words all the traits you are ashamed you possess are manifested in other people. I am wondering though, if we are not being provided opportunities to grow and step up into our fullness or at least having one less unworthy viewpoint or action. I went to Unity tonight to begin a new course in prosperity called: The Millionaires of the Bible. My mind was swirling from work and the energy there, the software programs I will learn, finding time to do so, wondering if I am creative enough and thinking about the state once again my son found himself, so my mind was not at first 100% focused on what the teacher was saying. I grabbed 3 books because I saw others do so. When I found out one of the books I only needed to purchase if I decided to take the class for credit to be a Unity teacher. Now I am focused and wide awake. There is no way I am remotely qualified or interested to teach classes in Metaphysical Christianity. I am still trying to get a handle on what is God. I raised my hand to answer a question in class that I was sure I knew the correct answer only to be told in front of a bunch of people I do not know, not only was I not correct, but nowhere close.

     At first I resorted to my old reliable bag of bullshit and told myself I will never speak in class again, never to put myself in an embarrassing position. As I was talking to myself, an idea popped into my mind, supposed I was to error out loud so that someone else could say the correct answer and enlighten me. It turned out that several people had various correct answers to the teachers question and I realized that I too had said the correct answer, the teacher just did not understand what I meant. But my day ended amazingly after class. I caught my train connections so I could catch the 8:10 train with 20 minutes to spare, there was an announcement of a track change that provided me a better opportunity to sit in my favorite seat on the train and I had a wonderful, healing conversation with a women in which I proceeded to discuss some of Unity’s principles in context of our conversation about work and people. In other words I completed another circle on my travels. So where am I? Starting over with wiser information, ready and eager to fuck up and feeling the sunshine when I realize that I did not do so at all. I am just on a journey to love and appreciate myself and I am not alone.