Shadow and Light

My life has become clearer since the trip to Maryland to see family. I dedicated a earlier blog page basically disowning my connection to my family and being self-righteous. What I first discovered was just how fucked up my relations on my father’s side are. My Uncle Blen told Bobby that in the Bible there was a passage that could be interpreted from God to destroy Afghanistan. Now besides the fact the innocent humans, plants, animals could be killed, toxins permeating the air, my uncle is a Baptist minister. It became clear to be that my father’s family’s way of viewing and treating people boarders on just stupid and down right mean. It also explains their treatment of me and what they consider correct behavior.

Now the idea that I spent the past 40 something years wishing to be accepted, approved and loved by this mindset was the eye opener and release from my self imposed prison. Because I was raised by this thought process, believed it internally, I participated in my life’s unhappiness, but had no clue other than I believed I was bad. Now I know in the depth of my soul this is not true. What I also got after going over and over in my head, my conversation with my Aunt Mattie is I also can exhibit the same wronging and punishment of people. I have participated in superiority separation of anyone who I felt rejected and hurt me. This is my shadow. By rejecting and delegating my family to relations thus practicing duality, I am practicing their behavior and the cycle continues. If I accept my shadow as an aspect of me, then I must also claim my relations and place them back into my life. Now this does not mean we go out to dinner and I share intimate details of my soul. What this means is I respect, honor and are polite and cordial to them. In essence, I must not practice their behavior onto them or anyone. I have a lot of work to do, cleansing this mindset out of my cells, but I have the tools: I am perfect and complete dwelling in the love and light of the most high. I so believe this inside and in my mind and the idea keeps me in alignment.

I found this week easy to be in alignment with Sacred Spirit and easy to get out of alignment and view people with shadow thoughts, at those times, I am in the energy of my shadow consciousness. Others might call this ego; I like keeping the focus on shadow morphing into Light. Another realization this week has been my heart staying open and feeling compassion for people engaging in shadow behavior. Things now are either Light or Shadow; I like knowing this concept as truth. No more good/bad, just as shadow exists all I have to do are bring my focus to Light. The shadow has a certain energetic feeling to me and so does Light. Light brings me energy; shadow makes me tired and sad. Shadow has wonderful uses though, it gently reminds me that compassion is needed somewhere and I must find it open my heart more and send love. I do not know how to cleanse my past thoughts and experiences from my cellular consciousness but I am making it a priority not to incur more shadow. The idea forgiveness just came to mind. Maybe truly forgiving will be the key? This morning I will fold and put away our laundry, I can use that time to meditate on the concept of past forgiveness.

Family, Bible and Freedom

I am back from the visit to see my relatives. I will no longer use the word family to describe these people anymore. They are people I am related to, my family are others. As far as I could remember I felt as if I was different from my relations and they also had no problem encouraging that thought by their treatment and language towards me. I was spoiled, loose, disrespectful, invisible, just plain bad and damaged. I took that as the reason certain relatives felt the need to sexually abuse me. I spent my life trying to convince and receive approval from my relations to allow me into their loving embrace. Also trying to convince others who felt the same way towards me. After this weekend I am so totally free from that s^&t.

Now I did not go on this visit thinking this would happen. Actually as of Friday I did not want to go. But off I went and I am so happy I did. Because of the desire to find Love, Truth and Compassion for myself, in a healthy way, so I can be that towards others, I had to step out the protective shell I built to be available for whatever. What I witness was a family: my Uncle Baby's wife Linda family. My Uncle had a stroke which left him paralyzed, he can speak a little, cannot walk and has the use of one hand. Linda lovingly care for his needs and so do her family. He is surrounded by people who love caring for him, even though he can not physically protect and support them. They are a happy group who enjoy each others company and know how to be there at a time of crises. For them Love is and they surrender to its presence to guide. I did not witness this from my relations, to any extent that I have seen this from Linda's family and Bobby's family (my fiance). My relations are not in for the long haul, unless it is their immediate family. The love that was present in abundance from Linda's family, I never felt from my relations nor seen. This is my truth. What I also witness is how my family used and continues to use the bible to justify their behavior to inflict hurt on people. This point I never realized before until this weekend.

The light switch came on when Bobby told me what my other uncle (who is a minister and my relations are very religious and subscribe to this uncles philosophy) who was there on Saturday told him and my father. There is a passage in the bible about when the Jews left Egypt, they came upon a village who for some reason would not let them enter. Supposedly God told Moses or someone to wipe the village out so the Jews could continue to the promise land. My uncle felt this could be used as a precedence to wipe out Afghanistan. Kill everyone, women, children, the elderly, animals, plants, trees, everything. When Bobby told me this, my entire life around my relations and came to mind and I got it. This is their truth and who they believe they truly are, and in no way is that philosophy on my bad day mine. We are not family, we are related. A relation might feel no remorse, no emotion on death or suffering, especially if they inflicted the damage. Family wishes to participate to alleviate suffering and bring some comfort. Family loves you no matter what you do, they might not like it and attempt to reign you in but they do so because they care and wants your happiness. This is my Truth. Relations disown, judge, manipulate, gossip, abuse (physically and sexually) and think they have a moral right to do so because they found justification or repentance from the bible. This is NOT my Truth. And these were the people I looked for acceptance and validation. Hell to the no more. I am free from them and others who subscribe to this type of bullS&*t. I now can have compassion for myself, real compassion and it feels wonderful. I appreciate my fiance, my wonderful friends who are my family and all the beautiful souls I have not yet met. As for my relations, God bless them and keep them, I owe them only my happiness that is all.

Until next time

Love and Light

Baby Steps

Today I begin another blog. My first blog was one based on a coaching course I was taking a couple of years ago. So much has changed and revealed since that time, I decided to abandon that blog and start anew. Two years ago, I was living in a town in NJ called Ocean Grove, having one disappointing encounter after another, while attempting to sort out why these psychotic situations were happening to me. Two years ago, I returned to working in NYC and enrolled in a Holistic Nutrition Course at IIN. Two years ago, I decided to date after a pause of two years. Two years ago, I had no clue about Love, Truth or Compassion, but believed I did. Two years later, I live in NY, stopped viewing my disappointing encounters as psychotic (viewing them as crazy growth lessions), I still work in NYC, graduated from the Holistic Nutrition Course and I am engaged to be married to the most amazing man. I am beginning my journey to Love myself, be truthful to myself and have compassion towards myself and others. I am a spiritual being having a human existence I now know. My spiritual/human revelations as I travel along various roads I will reveal on this blog.

One thing I recently discovered is in every situation, person, or event, Love is Present, Truth rules and Compassion waits to be felt. I will be honest, I realized this after I lost my mind and blasted out someone into the next dimension in a way I never achieved before.  Did I mention I am a Reiki practitioner and pray everyday? 

Today, I decided not to rent my house to someone. True to form, I blasted out a realtor for wasting my time meeting a person they should have checked out better. Next I ran full steam ahead down the road of trying to figure out what the hell is up with people and their version of reality (their complete and total bulls&&*t which makes my mind split in pieces), until I received a jolt reminding me to ask: where is Love, Truth and Compassion in this situation. The Truth is I am OK, the realtor is OK, the woman who wanted to rent my home is OK and it is OK not to rent to someone whose version of truth differs from mine. I can have compassion for the woman who wanted to rent my home because she is searching for peace and found some aspect of it in my house. I can have compassion for the realtor who is trying to please me in the only way she knew how (finding me a tenant quickly). And I can have compassion for myself for not sliding into a situation that most likely would cause me to lose my mind and be committed either in a mental ward or prison. As they say at Unity Church: Love is, so in this situation, Love is present and available, I only have to bring my awareness to its presence. And so I shall. I need to, tomorrow I travel to Washington DC to be in the bosom of my fathers emotionally retarded/mentally dysfunctional family who are also children of God. 

Until next time Love and Light.